Family
(From an original article on Focus on the Family)
A few years ago, I held my youngest son's hand as we walked across a busy parking lot. My older two boys trailed behind whining for ice cream. Such a request was not unheard of, but I didn't handle this situation well and yelled at them.
My three boys blinked up at me. The look on their faces stabbed my heart. In that moment, I realized I too easily defaulted to hurtful words when I was frustrated.
Have you ever heard yourself say something you promised you wouldn't say to your children — shaming words such as, "What were you thinking?" or "When will you ever learn"? The Bible says, "There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (Proverbs 12:18). My hasty words often left wounds, like those of a sword. I could see this in my children's dejected expressions.
A new way to respond
Here are a few examples of phrases parents can say that bring healing instead of injury.
Rudeness
Instead of: "Don't take that tone of voice with me, young lady. Go to your room until you can change your attitude!"
Say: "Claire, I love you. Because I love you, I won't allow you to speak rudely.
That tone won't go well for you in life, and it displeases God. Please try saying that again with kindness and respect. I'm listening" (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).
Noise
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Instead of: "Be quiet! I can't hear myself think!"
Say: "Boys, I need everyone to follow my lead. See how softly I'm speaking right now? I'm sure you don't realize it because you are having so much fun, but your voices are getting a bit too loud for me. I'd like you to speak no louder than I am right now. If you need to be noisier, that's OK, but you will need to play outside or go to your bedroom. Thank you!"
Fighting
Instead of: "If you kids can't get along then you can just go to your rooms. I'm so tired of all the fighting!"
Say: "I know that you're struggling right now. I want to help. Is this something you can discuss in normal voices and be good listeners, or do you need me to listen and help you work through it?" (2 Timothy 2:23-25).
Mistakes
Instead of: "Why can't you ever clean your room or do your homework on time?" Or, "You always mess this up or make us late!"
Say: "Son, we need to work on this area of behavior. I feel a little stuck right now on how to help you, so let's take a few minutes apart to think and pray about it. Then, I'd like to hear two good ideas from you about how you can improve and how I can help you. I'll have two good ideas to share with you as well. When we both get frustrated, it doesn't help, so let's ask God to give us wisdom and help us problem-solve" (James 1:5).
A Holy Pause
Our tone of voice and body language will reveal how we really feel when we talk to our kids. Take a "holy pause" before you address your child's misbehavior so that your own words and actions are not rude or inappropriate. Remember that you don't have to match their bad behavior with your own. We get to demonstrate the way we want our kids to treat us by first modeling it for them.
One thing I have found to be true is that I can't parent rightly if I'm empty spiritually. Part of planning the right words to say to my children means planning my own time with the Lord each day so that I'm filled with the fruit of the Spirit, living out the traits of love, joy, kindness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
When those hard parenting moments come, and they will, what comes out of our mouths will be evidence of whether or not we are in tune with the Lord and His heart for our kids.
Planning the right things to say when my children frustrate me is time well spent, and the benefits go far beyond the moment to building a parent-child relationship with no regrets.
Amber Lia is the co-author of Parenting Scripts: When what you're saying isn't working, say something new.
(From the original articla on Focus on the Family)
(From an original article on Focus on the Family)
Some of my favorite childhood memories involve Saturday morning cartoons. I would stumble out of bed and head downstairs toward the family-room TV to binge on "Looney Tunes," "Scooby-Doo" and "Inspector Gadget."
As I would pass by the living room, I'd frequently find my dad on his knees in prayer or sitting in his favorite chair reading the Bible. He had an amazing personal relationship with the Lord. My mom had a strong faith, as well.
However, I never witnessed how my parents cultivated a "shared" spiritual relationship. So, I really don't know how it worked or how they maintained it.
Now that I’m the adult and it’s my kids who pass through to watch, my wife, Erin, and I have our own personal relationships with the Lord that we nurture in different ways. I love learning about God by studying His Word and being surrounded by nature. I would describe Erin as a "traditionalist" (from Gary Thomas' book Sacred Pathways). She loves God through ritual and symbol (i.e., daily devotions, taking communion, etc.).
As a couple, we certainly understand the importance of building a shared spiritual relationship, but this pursuit often feels like a roller coaster ride — full of highs and lows, twists and turns. There are seasons when we seem to be in a great spiritual rhythm together. Other times, we aren't connecting spiritually, and Erin is disappointed in my spiritual leadership. There are moments when I'm frustrated with Erin or I'm hurt by something she did, and the last thing I desire is to connect spiritually.
Over the past 25 years, Erin and I have discovered three key experiences that help strengthen our spiritual connection:
Daily disciplines
Second Peter 3:18 says, "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." When we're at different levels of spiritual maturity, having a shared spiritual relationship is challenging. So finding things that help us grow more like Christ together is critical.
One study found that couples who shared the same faith, and who regularly attended church services together, reported a higher level of marital satisfaction. And when couples shared religious practices at home, their level of marital satisfaction was even higher.
We need regular experiences together, such as:
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Memorizing Scripture
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Praying
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Fasting
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Listening to praise and worship music
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Reading devotions
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Discussing spiritual matters
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Listening to sermon podcasts
(From an original article on Focus on the Family)
I chose the two articles here because they resonate with me about my relationship with my wife and my children. I want to be a good husband and father but I know there are areas of my own life I need to work on to improve that relationship.
